The Post goes ‘inside’ Angelina Jolie’s head to get her ‘thoughts’ on Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston

After photos of Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston at the SAG Awards went viral, The Post reached out to famed actress and third point in the love triangle, Angelina Jolie, who was hosting a children’s birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese in the Seychelles. Her totally not-made-up-by-us thoughts:

I’m fine, thanks for asking. Why wouldn’t I be?

No, I didn’t watch the SAG Awards. They were dead to me since snubbing “Maleficent: Mistress of Evil.” You know how hard it is to emote wearing 50 pounds of wings and horns? Ain’t sitcom work.

Seriously, what marriage do I have to break up to get a chardonnay around here?

Yes, I heard Brad made a little joke. “It was a difficult part, a guy who takes his shirt off, gets high and doesn’t get on with his wife. It was a big stretch, big.” Ha-ha. You know what else is a stretch? Playing a washed-up TV personality trying to stay in the game. Just saying! Guess that check from Apple to the Guild must have cleared.

While everyone else was swanning on the red carpet, you know what I was doing? Adopting more children, that’s what. Making sure the paparazzi catch me doing something completely natural, like laughing hysterically on the way to the grocery store. As normal people do. I don’t need your accolades. I was in “Girl, Interrupted”! I was frickin’ Lara Croft! I made baby tank tops and acid-wash jeans look good!

Do you see the way he’s grabbing her wrist? That’s not healthy — and this is coming from someone who used to wear a vial of blood around her neck.

Listen to me, William Pitt. You. Aren’t. Getting. Her. Back.

Jesus, people. I’ll take a pinot at this point. Anyone got a Xanax? Ketamine?

Yes, yes, it’s all so romantic. You know what else is romantic? A furtive affair on the set of a spy film. A cheeky husband-and-housewife photo shoot. Visiting refugee camps.

And that dress. White, on the bias, silk — honey, I know virgins. When I’m not bathing in virgin blood, I’m drinking it. You’re no virgin.

I was The Leg! I was a meme!

You plebeians. You want a reunion, you want a throwback? All nostalgic for the ’90s? See what you think when I step out with Billy Bob Thornton.

Or my brother.

Follow 3-www.NET
Follow
e-News.US
  
Share
e-News.Us

Category Latest Posts