Dear John: I’m Deedle Doo the Comedy Boy, America’s senior comedian.
I have a consumer complaint that I think only you can help me with. I have not paid federal income tax since 1994, nor have I filed a tax return during that time, both of which are failures the Justice Department publicly represents to be indictable offenses.
My understanding is that I can expect an all-expenses paid trip right into federal prison for my “tax protester” activities. But it seems the Justice Department is running some sort of a con where I can’t get it to live up to its promises to get me in front of a judge. I ignore the federal income tax in total good faith, and now I want my indictment.
Do you have any pull over at the federal jurisdiction? Thank you for your kind attention in this matter. Hopefully you can help me. C.K.
Dear C.K.: You might be reading this all wrong. The IRS may have looked you up and determined that your “comedy” can’t possibly earn you any money. And if you don’t earn money, you don’t have to pay taxes.
Anyway, I’ll try to get you incarcerated by putting this in the paper, but I can’t promise anything. I guess the IRS folks are busy looking at Jerry Seinfeld’s royalties on his tax returns, and may already have its quota of comedians’ audits. But be patient, I think they will eventually get to you.